Safe Journey

Red Flags

The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as indicators and cues to pay attention to, not to base judgment on the worth of another person.

Question relationships with partners who . . .
1. abuse alcohol or other drugs
2. have a history of trouble with the law
3. do not work or go to school
4. physically abuse children or pets
5. abuse their siblings or other family members
6. get into a lot of fights
7. put people down or call them names
8. break or destroy property
9. are always angry at someone or something
10. try to isolate you and control who you see or where you go
11. nag you or force you to be sexual when you do not want to
12. cheat on you or have lots of partners
13. are physically rough with you (push, shove, yank, pull)
14. take your money or take advantage of you in other ways
15. accuse you of flirting or "coming on" to others
16. accuse you of cheating on them
17. do not listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings
18. ignore you, give you the silent treatment, hang up on you
19. lie to you, do not show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days
20. put down your family or friends
21. "check out" or make lewd comments about others in your presence
22. blame all arguments and problems on you
23. tell you how to dress or act
24. threaten suicide if you break up with them
25. experience extreme mood swings, tell you that you are the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next
26. tell you to shut up or tell you that you are dumb, stupid, fat or call you some other name directly or indirectly
27. compare you to former partners
28. excessively bad-mouth former partners

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship . . .
1. you feel afraid to break up with them
2. you feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in
3. you feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person will not get mad
4. you tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough/more that everything will be just fine
5. you find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy
6. you find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy

(Domestic Abuse Project, 1991)